Wednesday, November 19, 2008

And the cookie crumbles...

After a fair amount of solo time, some self-awareness/growth type crap, sporadic travel, & a bad date that ended in a brief dalliance with an ex, I am climbing, aggressively, back into the dating saddle. As we all know, JBirdTX is a fair weather lass & with the advent of winter, I find it difficult to get out for more than work, the gym, & walking the dog. Hello internet! Yes, it's true.

On a whim one rainy & companionless Saturday afternoon, I logged onto my first dating site. I spent a solid hour answering questions followed by damned near 30 minutes of reading its analysis of my emotional health & personality. At 1.5 hours in, I still hadn't seen any men nor had my eyes been opened any wider about myself. I was losing steam fast but foraged on, pressed by thoughts of the local petite & waify men dancing through my head... pitter-pat, pitter-pat, clang, clang, clang... all bones a-jangle-lang. And then... and then... the site told me to wait: No matches yet.

I logged on asap the following morning & had 6 matches. "Joy! Who are these possible hunks of love that have been delivered to my inbox?" I thought. well, they were kinda like this:

Guy1) Springfield Mass, single Dad of two, kids & work are his life, no free time to meet people, 6'0 & a figure like he possibly made these two kids all on his lonesome.
in my head: hmmm... while he is tall enough, he comes with a few donuts I don't need, & while I will date a man with children, he is pretty far away & commuting for "new mommy & me" activities might not be an option. NEXT!

Guy 2) Also not in NYC, 5'11, mid 40's, works as fire-fighter, not super fit but seems very genuine- genuinely lonely! Guy skipped going on a beach trip with his buddies cause he didn't have a girl to go with? Further investigation set off additional co-dependency alarm bells. NEXT.

Guys 3, 4, 5, & 6 were similar. No need to review them all, lord knows the details get garbled; besides, I don't wanna be unkind. I will say this: One dude was 5'5 & all, save one, were far,far away. I sat disappointed & listlessly sipping my morning coffee, wondering: is it me? I thought: all these guys are supposed to match me according to some patented compatibility program- maybe I am not understanding a part of myself after all.

Anyway, I went to work later that day & confessed to a close colleague about my on-line dabbling. Together we had quite a time giggling & reviewing my matches, she assured me that I wasn't committing any sort of sin & to relax about being online. (I'm super conventional & this online thing just seems sooo desperate.) She encouraged me to give it another day & see what happens.

Monday morning I pulled up to the computer & actually hoped that my feedback about the first round of suitors would somehow reset the magic-match-machine. It did! There were 13 whole matches to choose from! Alas, my joy was short lived, literally. It seemed that when I clicked "height" as an issue for not being compatible, the match-machine seemed to interpret the guys as being too tall! Not a suggested mate over 5'7". eek! No, no, no, 13 times & then I realised I'd wasted 45 minutes- I rushed to s.s.s., pee the dog & get to work!!

Tuesday morning I rose curious but with a dim view of the site & its magic-match-machine. Low & behold! There was one guy nearby who, although a lawyer, fit most of my snobby criteria. I sent him some questions & anxiously awaited answers or rejection. The other folks suggested that day got thrown back into the pool.

By Thursday I hadn't heard from, nor been rejected by Tuesday Guy; BUT, I had worked up three whole pages of "no thankses" and even gotten rejected by an asian dude or two! (I can never get it right with those people!)

Friday: Tuesday guy had answered my questions & sent some back to me. The whole question thing is weird cause they give you a set list of questions, most of which are completely scary & inappropriate & others that are just 'effin dull. Me, going through questions: "sooo... I can ask this guy if he likes to rollerblade at the beach, OR, if he wants his wife to fill traditional gender roles & how quickly would he like to get married??! sheesh! I guess I'm going with rollerblades! This is waaAAAy more fruitful than prowling Key Food's produce aisle!" No new candidates but I did answer the questions. (BTW, I will rollerblade at the beach but will only bikini rollerplade in private.. any of you guys reading this own a boardwalk?)

Fast forward to the next week... Tuesday. No word from Mr. Tuesday, no good lawyer shrew. I was quickly pouring through the day's catch & saw.... the friggin site finally sent me the profile of a dude my age, decent build, ok face (on a tiny head, like mine) & 6'4" in height. Whew! His words seemed to be likable so I shot him a drop-list message, a online nudge of sorts. Again with the waiting.

Today: the nudge worked! Let's call this one Wednesday. So, Tall Wednesday guy sent me trite questions to which I replied. Then I sent assorted lame questions back to him. 1st Tuesday must've gotten the vibe of Wednesday 'cause he resurfaced & was all with his: "I've been in London- London, Ontario!" story. We'll see, no whut-whut to get all amped about as yet & to be honest, I find myself looking at singles sites just to enjoy the photographs. There is definitely a blog worthy essay in my head about them, but not tonight.

Anyway, being the suspicious sort, I think the site I'm now on sends duds over & over so you'll get more excited when a half-way decent match comes along. Also, the site costs money which fuels my belief that they are withholding likely matches to be released over weeks, not days. That's probably also the reason you only get a few matches at a time. They loaded me up once but on average, I only get 3-6 matches per day & only once a day. What? What's that you say? It must be my discerning taste that has narrowed the field so? Perhaps you are right, thanks. I'm not really a believer yet but part of me hopes that next Tuesday I will get another good possibility which, statistically, is beating my non-success by Fair Way's banana display...

Will keep you posted!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

the last time I smoked

June 30, 2008 at McTottie's Back Yard Grill. Bought pack of smokes & 6 pack on the way home despite already being drunk & having smoked an almost full pack. Once home I sat at the computer, cracked a beer, blogged on & asked: "self? what are you doing?" some inner arbitration followed which was finally and thankfully over-ridden with: "self, you are stupid; do not commit pussy, slow suicide- go to bed. NOW." I did & that's mostly the end. I had to change things up for a bit, stay away from trigger situations such as blogging for a while, but I think I'm back & it feels good.

Next time:

-possible comments on the Georgia/ Russia situation which scares the hell out of me.
-the sad state of our news & its showmanship. (why not acknowledge the killer 85lb bear as the baby it is? bobbleheads? really?)
-my imminent arrest for stalking if Bev doesn't lay off.
- summer streets, a project consisting of almost 7 car-free miles that I am very proudly volunteering for; see HERE FOR VIDEO or HERE FOR NYC.GOV STORY
-ARP's almost MASTER CLEANSE EXPERIENCE
-rainbows.

Glad to be back.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

New Culture in the Hood

so, there is a bar around the corner from my house that I don't love & I usually don't hate. last night was a night of not love, hipster-roller night. loud brats everywhere, squealing, squeaking, rolling over my neighbor's dogs' turds & spilling everywhere. unsafe, not to mention unsanitary.

apparently they have some sort of almost adult night for, well, everyone, but it seems to attract the blacks. on my ride home this evening there were herds of 'em, mostly under 5'6" & as wide as they are tall, and waddling toward said club. there must be some kind of dress code cause everyone on the street was dressed in gauzy white. kinda funny actually cause when a body wears something white and filmy you can always see the layered bits. meaning: if you have the right thin & unlined white slacks on, you can see the fabric where the pockets are & end up with funny squares all over. or, if you wear a filmy white shirt with white bra & no camisole, the bra stands out like the dickens. more so on folks with dark skin & especially comedic on a dark industrial street for the illusion of poorly planned outfits walking around seemingly without people in 'em. dare I say spooky?

I don't really care that they are here, in fact I kinda like it. hell, besides the two girls smoking a glass one-hitter in a car parked outside my place they are less offensive, quieter, & drive nicer cars than the usual suspects that haunt the bar. plus, they leave me interesting fodder. after last culture night I found a wedding program that was so good I'm saving it for inspiration should I ever marry again. here's a sample of how a wedding program is done, properly.

FRONT COVER:
The Wedding Ceremony of XX & XXX
picture of well fed, happy couple fades out into calla lily frame
O Happy Day
Date, etc

INSIDE COVER:
The Order of Service, which is essentially a bunch of BS about who is who & outline of ceremony that includeds: "enternence of groom" & "entranc of bride" abutted by another picture of canoodling, happy, well fed couple. good fade on the pic but they just couldn't edit out her huge meat hook on his shoulder. oh well, still pretty.

PAGE ONE:
The Bridal Party list, here are a few choice names in order of appearance:
Nattalia (not a bad name, I just like that she is the "mini bride")
Miss Rochelle Ham, bridesmaid (how can she be single with a name like that?!)
Monepha Laing, bridesmaid (money fa what?)
Mr. Hopeton McNaughton, groomsman (yous betta hope NOT! sorry, reaching, I know)
Mr. Thandiwe Victor
& let's not forget the bell ringers: Jyseniyah & Jenayah Tracey
needless to say there are a lot of Browns, Whites, & Blacks in the show too.

PAGE TWO:
Prayer, Great is Thy Faithfulness, & many, many refrains

PAGE THREE:
Poem: Inside Of Me
I was excited to read about being inside of one or both of them in some really personal & creative ways but, alas, this ode doesn't live up to its title. do note that it is written by Jay Scott.

PAGE FOUR:
Welcome Note from the bride and groom.
"Welcome to Temple Emeth." blah, blah, blah. date. love, devotion, witnessing, etc. "It is wonderful to share our happiness with people so dear and we appreciate the massive efforts you have all made to be with us, on this day, in Teaneck, New Jersey. " Teaneck, yikes. "So please make yourself comfortable at your leisure, because to welcome you is our greatest pleasure." blah, blah blah. photo of embracing, happy, well fed couple highlighting arm or mutton leg, & double meat hooks. harsh fade, still pretty in glossy teal.

INSIDE BACK COVER:
this is where our loving & humble couple has gone out of their way to enlighten guests & share the high-lights of fabulous Teaneck, NJ. It is also the place they may reside in the next few years or possibly, after years of happy marriage elsewhere, re-visit with fond memories. feel free to make notes in your travel log, without further adieu:

VISITOR'S DIRECTORY
starts with the numbers of police & a hospital, because in NJ, 911 is a joke.
two hotels
Restaurants:
The Jamaica Connection (I'm feeling right at home!)
Sheng Garden (cause everyone loves a buffet & them chinese fry the hell outta some chicken)
Brooklyn's Brick Oven Pizzeria (that's BK, NJ, right? )
Hair Salon: Razzle Dazzle
& here is my personal favorite in the whole program- Bar: Hooters
followed by such necessities as Nail Plaza, Stop & Shop for groceries (all class, people) & IHOP for breakfast.

Amazed yet? Obviously Teaneck is a mecca of hotspots. If you are thinking of moving to a place with great grocers, sophisticated dining, and loads more to offer, this could be it! I will gladly sell you an apartment, frame house, or commercial space in Teaneck. If you are simply looking to get input on your "momentous day" the BACK COVER of the program thanks everyone for attending & prominently features an ad for the company that designed it & makes events memorable. Incidentally, this is where our fair bride has the much sought after title of MANAGER. I am happy to pass on the particulars to anyone who needs. Lastly, if you need a special someone to plan an event for, or perhaps marry, I am available. application required.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

This is cool:

(From SPF)

"Dear friends and family-

As some of you may know, we will be moving from our home beginning in August and taking on a work/live adventure in a 574 square foot Solar Decathlon home (2005 SNAP House). Our commitment there is to live for one year while making sure the home technology is working and record the energy/water consumption of the building that is sharing it's energy savings with a 3-1 home at the front of the property. The main goal is to make sure that the building is easy to live in for the residents that will follow us the following year. This is a collaborative processes between ourselves and Blackland Community Development Corporation.

Adam and I are thrilled about the opportunity and hoping that you all can come visit us when we get settled into the place. But for now our efforts are concentrated on trying to rent out our 2-1 home on 38.5 St, and we would appreciate your help in spreading the word. Attached is a flier with the details about the home. If you personally know someone who is looking for a place and think they would be a good fit, we will be willing to go down on the price and rental deposit. Also, there is an option to leave the home furnished if need.

Thanks for your help and we will be crossing our fingers with the hope of renting out the place by the first or mid-August."

Can't wait to see it/ stay there in August ! Cool!

Good Theatre for People Who Like Bad Theatre

really bad, really really bad. the only people amused were the people working the show. I feel horrible saying this because one of my buddies is in the show & she played her part well but overall it just wasn't a worthy production. rookie playwrights, poorly developed characters, no clear point to any story. shit so trite that I don't care to think about why the writer needed to impress it on anyone much less pay or waste time to see it. I left at intermission. my apologies, MC.

last night I went to a friend's birthday/ going away party. it was weird, mostly cause I was completely pooped & a little cause she's a really different person than me. her friends are good people but not people I have been able to identify with much, our paths & ages are very different. the highlight of the evening was watching people care for each other. I am 100% for this cheesey caring for others thing. little stuff, like her bf saying to an unwitting regular that dropped in, "be sure to say happy birthday to CH." and other stuff, by many peeps, like an arm casually draped across a body for seconds, (dudes), eye contact, and I heard the occasional: let me see if my him/her is cool with that/ needs anything. I just like seeing people take care of each other. life is short, feeling good is important & I think we all ultimately want at least one special person to be close to & care with intimately.

Friday, June 27, 2008

dog log: day 3

things are working out here in dog town. the pups have mellowed, & although jail time is still majority, we have had a fair amount of recreation too. dogs= slowly tiring, human= near done.

a few interesting things have happened over the last two days- I was privileged to attend the opening of a retrospective of Buckminster Fuller's life work with a good friend at the whitney. amazing ideas, revolutionary human. here are a couple more relevant links: Challenge Launch & Buckminster Fuller Challenge

-dome notes: I had a neighbor (Walt) who single-handedly built & then lived in a geodesic dome & only drank fat-free powdered milk. he had an unruly beagle that howled more & worse than a cock & humped legs of all sexes at every opportunity. Walt also had a very good looking son whose name I cannot recall but I do remember attempting my first red light style strip tease for. said son also had one of those wall sized photo murals in his room; it depicted a busy water mill mired amongst lush forest. I spent hours perusing the Penthouse magazines stacked in our tv console table & fantasizing many innocent scenarios making out in front of water mills with that boy whose name I cannot remember . yikes!

later in life, backdrop New Mexico, age 15, I had a friend named Justin whose parents lived in a geodesic dome. they were well to do by NM standards... he hated them & the dome he grew up in, of course. Justin slummed with all us vagrant kids & did his best to be "hard-core" but was never convincing. no matter, we liked him none less. one time ONLY we convinced Justin to take us to his parents' place, nestled in a fancy New Mexican development. I will never forget pulling up to the dome in sweltering NM heat, laughing at our respite & teasing Justin: "yeah, now I see the how you grew up embarrassed, underprivileged in this tiny dome amongst sprawling earth houses." We really were shocked at how tiny the dome was, it was merely an eskimo-like pimple on a acres of houses half-buried in hills. then we entered. we walked in & ran into a railing, Justin's parents called out to us & we peered down, way, way down into semi-dark. the fucking house went three stories deep into the earth. on the final & center floor of the dome his folks were lounging on sofas, 3 earthen floors below us. unbelievable. I felt like I was in Star Wars or Star Trek or something too sci-fi. I had not, & still haven't, seen anything comparable to this place. It was amazing. Justin's mom & I got along really well. she admired the embroidery I had done on my cut-offs & gifted me a book called "Native Funk and Flash". the book is full of hippie embroidery that idolizes incarcerated loved ones, commemorates hallucination, allows for easy sex, (often in groups), & features clever holes for main-lining. from then on I felt for Justin, he became "hard-core" by right of growing up in a mole hill and having crazy parents. poor Justin didn't get to enjoy his legitimate status as a hard core kid very long; we got into a car wreck that night (if I remember right). We went to a reservation party (damned indians!) after visiting the folks, imbibed, & then Justin, another Justin, Chris, & I did 2.5 long-ways flips off a highway overpass. holy roof landing! luckily, we all walked away & some highway troopers saw the whole thing. they had us checked out by e.m.t.s & drove us to our respective homes. I didn't see chris (his fault, sentenced to adult re-hab/ jail at 17) or Justin #1 ever again. Justin 2 & I saw each other again briefly but it was teary & uneasy after almost death together.

March 8th- am I telling this right? You & DF were on the recieving end of my written blow-by-blow & may still have the words I wrote home, including thoughts & friends during our first war in Iraq. What a time... think I was also devising a way to live off of chunky peanut butter, m&ms, and adult diapers around this time.

The other interesting thing that I meant to tell about is the hearing regarding handguns in DC. Don't know if anyone listened but the formal pomp and circumstance of trial is really something. I, and March 8th, grew up with guns as tools & part of the household. I found the arguments (both ways) to be very compelling. art of the tongue.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

dog log: day 1

so, the dog that I fostered a couple weeks ago is visiting for seven days & seven nights. nice to know that his new master entrusts me with this charge so completely but is also a total bummer. two terriers to too many. they go ape shit together & my neighbors can't stand the sound of them stomping around the apartment together, nor can I. in effort to keep the roar dull I am essentially running a seven day dog jail. no fun.

I picked him up last night & had what I thought would be a pretty good tired dog regimen in mind. I woke up this morning & walked them to the park, intent on wearing them out for the day. upon arriving at the park I found signs announcing bouts of giardia & retreated, quickly. we walked for a full hour & I let them run and play together but it isn't enough. all day they rested side-by-side in cages, miserable. I came home at lunch & we walked/played again. still not enough. tonight, after working till 8 & still recuperating from sunday's antics, we went through the lengthy routine again. dogs= not yet satisfied/happy, human= exhausted.

6 days & 6 nights to go...

In other news, I wore a pair of stretch gabardine pants today. I love gabardine but don't get the stretch thing. it's a great fabric: lovely texture, natural fibers, warm yet breathable & comes in different weights to accommodate each season. why fuck with it?

seems like most fabrics today possess some element of stretch. I'm cool with stretch in foundation garments & possibly work-out clothes, or on folks who are really hot. I also see the necessity for those who are pregnant or happen to suffer from glandular problems, but why the hell do the rest of us need our daily driving outfits to stretch? the material deteriorates faster, holds bad smells, and usually doesn't look or move as classy. is it so we can pretend we didn't gain umpteen lbs over the winter, keeping our fragile egos in tact as we watch ultimate fighting & victoria's secret fashion shows whilst gorging? "yeah, I bought these stretch pants in august, it's february... they STILL fit! pass the fried chicken and honey bbq dipping sauce.... say- can I get another pop?" hell, we may as well bring elastic waist bands and adult jumpers (plenty of pleats, please) back into our mainstays.

geez. if I've become the fucking michelin blimp, I wanna know & make amends. I also want the satisfaction of sliding back into skinny jeans after starving/ working out from may-july.

january me: hello pants!
pants: hell-o-no!

july me: hello pants!
pants: still hot! back that ass IN!

obviously, my world is rife with struggle. thanks for reading.

whole lotta nuthin

my UP team won yesterday. that's five in a row. it was a close game & just after a player cost us two runs by dropping a fly ball he got it back, plus two, with a grand slam. saved our little asses. the team is finally relaxing, gelling, nice. we drank cases of beer in the rain & celebrated our last game with Nancy, our killer left fielder. sad to see him go but luckily we have a capable person to fill his shoes. after the park a few of us decided we should drink on new guy's roof & play some silly paddle game. probably not the wisest choice. we finally realized we were starving & went across the street to a restaurant I've heard lots about, Juliette. It was an okay meal but I found myself beyond the point of really being able to enjoy it; too much beer, too hungry. of course, after dinner we did a little more hanging out & by 2am I was home. thank god.

I woke up foggy at 7 this morning, moved cars, did house shit & went to work. then I had a game in the city. I secretly wished it would rain out, it didn't. I guess it's good cause I've been working on my pitching & threw the hell out of the ball for four innings. almost every batter took a swing & got nuthing but air at least once- it felt good. the team was really happy & Coach will be gone next game (leaving Chang & me at the helm) which means I'll be on the mound for a full 7 innings come Monday. my left butt cheek hurts which maybe means I'm doing something right. I also got a hit every time I batted. FINALLY. the bad news? a low line-drive caught me on the side of a knee. no skirts for a while.

it's poised to be another busy week. I've got to start passing some things up.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

BBB & winning a personal challenge

the Better Business Bureau has made it very easy to file complaints. thank you. since early february I have done a monthly song & dance with with endless numbers of helpless verizon representatives & it takes more than an hour each time. it's become comedy hour in my office. literally. when word gets out that I am on my monthly call to verizon wireless, people start calling things out over their cubicles & I eventually wind up with giggling masses around me. no bull. for a week or so after I hear people on the phone, using my material, followed by props for how well my technique works. only problem? it isn't working for me. at this point I find it to be harassment & am starting to believe that I may be due punitive damages. I am sure I will have to do the dance a few more times (including tomorrow) before this is squared away & I hope that in due time the BBB will help.

Other things I wish I could pass onto someone else:

guy in office with girlfriend & annoying crush on me
my ex-husband's cat that I loved enough to protect untold years ago
a drinking problem
new-found & sit-up/ crunch resistant fat @ my middle (first summer it isn't moving, could it be my drinking problem?)
house cleaning
debt
george bush

think that's about it. I don't mind working or paying bills (that I owe) & actually, I don't wanna pass this stuff on to anyone else; if these things would just vaporize it would be cool.

here are some things I'd like more of:

money (duh.)
winning softball teams (FYI: Rockstars= undefeated, Rockstars Too= 1 loss, Union Pool= no loss since I started coaching solo.)
stuff to write about on my blog
sex & possibly love
education

that's pretty reasonable, right? I'm a fairly happy person & have heard I'm easy to please. of course, I've heard I'm too easy to please as well- not enough boundaries can be confusing I suppose. (my new fat-lipped, large bosomed friend, SB, can relate to be sure.) anyway. I don't lack much, I just need to learn the art of fine tuning what I do have.

yesterday, in effort to better myself, I partook in the JP Morgan Chase Corporate Challenge. I've done this once before (Elektra Records contingency) and kinda knew the drill. I sauntered to the home camp where the head nut, ensconced in head-to-toe leopard, told me I couldn't leave my belongings. yikes! I had waters, wallet, parka, dense sweatshirt, house keys, property keys, phone, quarters, pens, the works. I reconciled myself with the fact that it was only 3.5 miles & journeyed to the start, back-pack & all. I found my comrades (stuff free) & realized too late that I was at the start for a 10 minute mile! NOT FOR ME. rain started, parka donned.

flash to race:

off I go! trotting with a heavy back-pack & short strided masses... a woman next to me calls "4:17!" as we cross the start. I don't think about it, just keep putting one foot in front of the next. I'm overheating. "m u s t d i t c h p a r k a . . .", I pull off the track & done! carry on... as I run, I think: "have they reversed the route? last time I did this it seemed like all uphill, now seems all downhill. of course, you were doing a lotta drugs then... thank god that's over." BAM! mile one DONE. Clock: 15:11. "legs? you still there? yes?! stay!" still running, passing people, I think I might be able to run another whole mile. "keep going, keep going, knees good? good knees! keep going." all of a sudden my lungs act up: "fucking nasty, no good smoking. allergies. suicide. b r e a t h e t h r o u g h." I see mile two marker ahead, spit up funky stuff, dodge through traffic, & make a push. 23:09. "clocks must be off, pull over, breathe." I pull over, walk like a zombie, swish water, spit water, stick elbows out, bend my neck in an unnatural position to open the pipes & feel lots better. LOTS better. "okay mental tachometer, mark one half mile for recoup, then our body is running at a comfortable pace till the finish-line or collapse." run again I did. crossed the finish line at 3.5 miles with a final time of 43:47.

back at camp, some full-of-shit real estate agent that started many bodies ahead of me proclaimed that the start clock read 7:Something when he & his buddy crossed it. BULL SHIT. if my math is right, (I'm admittedly pretty bad at integers), after years of no running, lotsa smoking, drinking, drugs, jobs, boyfriends/ husbands, one pit stop, and walking I still pulled a 10:11 mile. NOT BAD. and certainly no way I was any faster. although sometimes I am- between home plate & 1st.

hopefully this run benefits something, I didn't look closely enough at the url to discern the why, just the when & where.

PS- t h a n k s t o x m a s t i m e f o r r e m i n d i n g m e h o w t o m a k e g r e a t p a u s e s i n a w r i t t e n s t o r y. Besos!~